Pants 0. Shit 1.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
