you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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