I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
