you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
