I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
