You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
