if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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