What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
