take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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