Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
