We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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