I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
