Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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