I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
