We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
