Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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