I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
