Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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