One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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