you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
