I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
