apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize