Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
