Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
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We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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