omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
