I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
