My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
