We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
