i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Couch. On fire.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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