Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
this just has baby written all over it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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