Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
