There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
