wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
