The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
