My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
