yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
