tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think a kid would responsible me up
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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