You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
