Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
