My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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