there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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