A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
