He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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