I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
