the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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