feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sext me about skeletons
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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