im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
