i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
