another moral hangover. fuck.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
