just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think i got beer on your cat.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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