Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
