Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
