You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just invented taco cereal.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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