pop tarts are not kleenex
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
