Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
