Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
