I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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