at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
