im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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