can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
