She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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